i am hurting hurting hurting

and it's hard to tell why. the other day i told my friend, "there is noting wrong with you. you are a human being." and whenever i think back on that day i add, "and it's hard."

there is nothing wrong with you. you are a human being, and it's hard.

and it's incredible too! 

i'm lost lost lost and so unsure and i wish i didn't have a vision of what i should be because then i could just be. you know? this muck could be perfection.

and it is isn't it. 

it's just me who is asking it to be something else.

oh man. 

i am having a really hard time with myself. these days. all days. 

in the quiet it is hard. out there with the people it is all sorts of things. but not the quiet, lonely, unsure cloud of memory and talents and struggles and plans. 

i am tired of feeling like this. 

i am tired of being scared of myself. 

i am tired of not knowing how to get what i want.

i am tired of wanting what i don't have.

i am tired of being misunderstood. 

and tired of misunderstanding.

and tired of being mean.

and tired of not being heard.

so tired of not being looked to for answers.

tired of doubting myself

tired of feeling the weight of history.

tired of watching people be mean to eachother.

and of not being allowed to help.

and tired of crying alone.

i want to cry with you.

let's cry together.

this is such a bad scene!

and has been for so long.

look at all there is that hurts.

look at everything that hurts that we call entertainment.

or love.

or food.

or job.

or news.

it hurts it hurts it hurts

so say it hurts!

THIS HURTS!